Ask Dr. Olaf

Feeling out of sorts? Let Dr. Olaf help! Simply describe your symptoms, mail them by internet-mail to Dr. Olaf, and let the good doctor find the cure.*



I have many crosses to bear.

Dear Dr. Olaf,

I have many crosses to bear. I try to bear them like any good Christian lady. But it is hard. So very hard. Now a new curse has been added to my great load. Ever since the birth of my 11th child, a strapping 10 pound girl, I have had certain problems of a delicate nature. I suffer from a sort of seepage when I laugh. It is most troubling. I tried your Miracle Cure 26, but alas! to no avail. Please advise me.

In deepest sorrow and pain, I remain,
Yours truly, Daisy


Dear Daisy, If my Miracle Cure 26 has not remedied your condition, no elixir will. However, there is a much deeper issue here which can be remedied. It goes to the heart of your problem, the very heart. Life is a grim business. You, with 11 children, should know this. There is no need for laughter in this life. Indeed, it would be unseemly for you to laugh. Stop laughing and the seepage should cease as well.

You are welcome,
Dr. Olaf




I came into this world with an imperfection.

Dear Dr. Olaf,

I came into this world with an imperfection. My left leg is 3 inches shorter than my right. Until now, this has been of no consequence, my father being a ballet instructor. He taught me to walk with grace on the ball of my left foot and the flat of my right. Now I am affianced. I am in mortal dread of my husband-to-be when he learns of my imperfection. Is there and procedure to lengthen my left leg? Can it be accomplished in two weeks, the time remaining till my wedding?
In gratitude,
Petunia


Dear Petunia, First, know that we all come into this world with imperfections. Be grateful that yours is of the body and not the soul. Second, know that if you maintain the proper decorum in your marriage, there is no need for your husband ever to know of your imperfection.

You are most welcome,
Dr. Olaf


Certain Difficulties of a Delicate Nature

Dear Dr. Olaf,

I am writing on behalf of my friend Otis. He has certain difficulties of a delicate nature with women. Even though I have no such difficulties myself, I assured Otis that I would explain his problem to you and convey to him your wisdom. What do you recommend?

Thank you,
Delamr G.


Dear Delmar,

A cataplasm is called for most urgently. Otis should fabricate one from mustard, flower of lead, and oat. Heat is his friend; cold, his enemy. Heat will inspire the infusion of the poultice. The remedy should be applied thrice daily.

You are most welcome,
Dr. Olaf


Bedbugged in Barcelona

Dear Dr. Olaf,

My intended, a woman of Catalan peasant background, has taken to using our dog, a Labrador retriever, as a pillow. Now the skin around her neck and upper shoulders (the human's, not the canine's) is erupting in boils. My dearest is very fond of this back alley creature, but the boils are detract from our life together. Can you recommend something I can administer to the animal, the lady, the furniture, or myself, to resolve this problem? I must admit to confusion over whether this is a question for the medical or the psychological sciences. We are at our wits end.

Thank you,
Bedbugged in Barcelona


My Dear Bedbugged,

Indeed, I believe you are not beleaguered by bedbugs but betrayed by retriever efluvian. Fortunately I can recommend efficacious remedies. First, apply caustic paste to your beloved's neck and shoulders. Next, launder all bed clothes in water to which tincture of swine pancreas has been liberally added. Finally, I urge both you and your retriever to drink daily of my Vitalizing Formula 39.

You are most welcome,
Dr. Olaf


Help! My head hurts

Dear Dr. Olaf,

At times, my head feels like it will explode. I can't do things I enjoy, like jog in the park or watch the sunset. What can I do to get my life back?

Desperate,
Headache Bill


Dear Headache Bill,

Feverfew and mercury will lessen these unfortunate symtptoms. Chew the leaves only after sundown to prevent irritation of the tongue.

You are most welcome,
Dr. Olaf


Confused in Sebastapol

Dear Dr. Olaf,

I'm having really conflicted ideas about my spouse at the moment. Sometimes, I think he's the most amazing person in the world, while others, I'm convinced he has a darker agenda. Please advise.

Sincerely yours,
Confused in Sebastapol


My Dear Young Woman,

If you see darkness, it is only because darkness is within you. I recommend a series of ten enemas with an infusion of mandrake in strong coffee.

You are most welcome,
Dr. Olaf


Redness of navel

Dear Dr. Olaf,

My mother, who sadly is now dead, told me placing camphor in the belly button (navel) would shrink hemorrhoids. Well, I tried it and now my belly button (navel) is all red and swollen. What should I do now?

Uncle Fritz


Dear Uncle Fritz,

One illness begot another. Now we must eliminate both to return to body harmony. Soak 6 oz of bran in honey and have one teaspoon every 3 hours till stools are the consistency of fine mulch. Muddle sage leaves with lemon and apply to the navel in a clockwise direction until redness is eliminated.

You are most welcome,
Dr. Olaf


Agatha, the cursed

Dear Dr. Olaf,

I have been cursed, cursed I say, with an acute sense of hearing. I can scarcely tolerate the sound-pain of normal conversation, and a raised voice, such as when mommy corrects me, is an agony. How can I survive with this dreadful, dreadful malady?



Yours in, alas not quiet, desperation,

Agatha


My Dear Agatha,

Patience, child, patience. As time adds to years, so wax adds to your ears. Time will be your ally. Till then, suffer, as is man's lot.

With sincere compassion,
Dr. Olaf


Dr. Ferdbeck's Elixir of Healthful Vitality

Dear Dr. Olaf,

I am of quite delicate nature and for years have been taking Dr.Ferdbeck's Elixir of Healthful Vitality. It has provided me with the most wonderful relief. I enjoy two flasks daily. Sadly, sadly Dr. Ferdbeck has passed and I can no longer procure his elixir. I am distraught. What do you suggest?



I am aquiver in anticipation of your response,

Camellia


My Dear Camellia,

I anticipated this question as I myself have advocated for the benefits of Dr. Ferdbeck's Elixir and have been the beneficiary of its restorative influences. The passing of the good Doctor Ferdbeck has been a loss to all. After extensive researches, I am pleased to recommend Mrs. Sudbury's Daily Tonic. As it is not quite as potent, I advise one flask upon rising and one with each meal.

You are welcome,
Dr. Olaf


A great and unsightly protuberance

Dear Dr. Olaf,

On my right great toe, there is an unsightly protuberance. Thirty years ago a particularly unpleasant horse, Zebulon by name, stomped on my foot. Perhaps the protuberance is a result of that. My wife unkindly laughs about that event to this very day. My protuberance is not only unsightly it is painful. I have the greatest difficulty in walking. Is there anything I can do? I shot Zebulon.



Hiram H.


Dear Hiram H.,

I suggest larger shoes.

You are welcome,
Dr. Olaf


My dear husband

Dear Dr. Olaf,

My dear, dear husband is very dear to me. He is a perfect husband in every way. I am so blessed that he is my husband. One little thing is most trying. He passes gases of the most rankest nature. As our abode is small and the winter long, this is a great difficulty. Can you suggest a remedy for my dear husband? I am contemplating returning to dear mama.


I anxiously await your advice,

Moriah


Dear Moriah,

The problem is of your own contrivance. Reduce the onions and beans in your poor husband's victuals and he should experience a most certain relief. This is not a matter of gravity warranting a return to your dear mama.

You are welcome,
Dr. Olaf



* Dr. Olaf is a fictional doctor who practiced medicine in the mid 1600s. You should by no means take his advice over that of a board-certified physician.
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Ask Dr. Olaf
Have a medical problem? Send a message describing your symptoms to Dr. Olaf!

Note: Dr. Olaf is a fictional doctor who practiced medicine in the mid 1600s. You should by no means take his advice over that of a board-certified physician.


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