Ask Dr. Olaf Feeling out of sorts? Let Dr. Olaf help! Simply describe your symptoms, mail them by internet-mail to Dr. Olaf, and let the good doctor find the cure.* I came into this world with an imperfection. Dear Dr. Olaf, I came into this world with an imperfection. My left leg is 3 inches shorter than my right. Until now, this has been of no consequence, my father being a ballet instructor. He taught me to walk with grace on the ball of my left foot and the flat of my right. Now I am affianced. I am in mortal dread of my husband-to-be when he learns of my imperfection. Is there and procedure to lengthen my left leg? Can it be accomplished in two weeks, the time remaining till my wedding? In gratitude, Petunia Dear Petunia, First, know that we all come into this world with imperfections. Be grateful that yours is of the body and not the soul. Second, know that if you maintain the proper decorum in your marriage, there is no need for your husband ever to know of your imperfection. You are most welcome, Dr. Olaf Certain Difficulties of a Delicate Nature Dear Dr. Olaf, I am writing on behalf of my friend Otis. He has certain difficulties of a delicate nature with women. Even though I have no such difficulties myself, I assured Otis that I would explain his problem to you and convey to him your wisdom. What do you recommend? Thank you, Delamr G. Dear Delmar, A cataplasm is called for most urgently. Otis should fabricate one from mustard, flower of lead, and oat. Heat is his friend; cold, his enemy. Heat will inspire the infusion of the poultice. The remedy should be applied thrice daily. You are most welcome, Dr. Olaf Bedbugged in Barcelona Dear Dr. Olaf, My intended, a woman of Catalan peasant background, has taken to using our dog, a Labrador retriever, as a pillow. Now the skin around her neck and upper shoulders (the human's, not the canine's) is erupting in boils. My dearest is very fond of this back alley creature, but the boils are detract from our life together. Can you recommend something I can administer to the animal, the lady, the furniture, or myself, to resolve this problem? I must admit to confusion over whether this is a question for the medical or the psychological sciences. We are at our wits end. Thank you, Bedbugged in Barcelona My Dear Bedbugged, Indeed, I believe you are not beleaguered by bedbugs but betrayed by retriever efluvian. Fortunately I can recommend efficacious remedies. First, apply caustic paste to your beloved's neck and shoulders. Next, launder all bed clothes in water to which tincture of swine pancreas has been liberally added. Finally, I urge both you and your retriever to drink daily of my Vitalizing Formula 39. You are most welcome, Dr. Olaf Help! My head hurts Dear Dr. Olaf, At times, my head feels like it will explode. I can't do things I enjoy, like jog in the park or watch the sunset. What can I do to get my life back? Desperate, Headache Bill Dear Headache Bill, Feverfew and mercury will lessen these unfortunate symtptoms. Chew the leaves only after sundown to prevent irritation of the tongue. You are most welcome, Dr. Olaf Confused in Sebastapol Dear Dr. Olaf, I'm having really conflicted ideas about my spouse at the moment. Sometimes, I think he's the most amazing person in the world, while others, I'm convinced he has a darker agenda. Please advise. Sincerely yours, Confused in Sebastapol My Dear Young Woman, If you see darkness, it is only because darkness is within you. I recommend a series of ten enemas with an infusion of mandrake in strong coffee. You are most welcome, Dr. Olaf Redness of navel Dear Dr. Olaf, My mother, who sadly is now dead, told me placing camphor in the belly button (navel) would shrink hemorrhoids. Well, I tried it and now my belly button (navel) is all red and swollen. What should I do now? Uncle Fritz Dear Uncle Fritz, One illness begot another. Now we must eliminate both to return to body harmony. Soak 6 oz of bran in honey and have one teaspoon every 3 hours till stools are the consistency of fine mulch. Muddle sage leaves with lemon and apply to the navel in a clockwise direction until redness is eliminated. You are most welcome, Dr. Olaf * Dr. Olaf is a fictional doctor who practiced medicine in the mid 1600s. You should by no means take his advice over that of a board-certified physician. Ask Dr. Olaf Have a medical problem? Send a message describing your symptoms to Dr. Olaf! Note: Dr. Olaf is a fictional doctor who practiced medicine in the mid 1600s. You should by no means take his advice over that of a board-certified physician.